Dear diary,
This mama has had a hard start to the year. Not because of anything tragic or big at all. More like just a whole lot of winter blues smooshed into the fact that I feel like it's a hamster wheel of a life, of clean this and that, cook, teach, wish for the something that I was meant to do, second guess myself and then start all over the next day, that I live.
Or maybe it's the lack of sleep I have had since Ami was born 5 years ago or the worry of life right now of living in a pandemic as a high risk family while everyone seems to have moved on. Or maybe it's the energy of the full moon, or simply that we have had such a drab, dark couple of months, I thrive off of that sunshine!
Sometimes, diary, I want to tell myself that it will get better, I mean my mantra is, THIS TOO SHALL PASS.
But cońo when the heck is that?
When will I be rested? When will I be doing something that inspires me? When will this itch of being creative, turn into something? When will this feeling of NOT BELONGING fade away? When will I have more help around the house? Does that all happen in the next stage of life? As the girls get older?
And then I think will I miss these days?
Will I miss the girls needing me SO much.
Will I miss homeschool, and how I get to be such a big part of their learning?
Will I miss these silly days of making reels that make me SO uncomfortable and making the time to share with other moms so that they are not so lonely? Will I miss all of this in the next chapter because life will be so different? Will I lose a sense of purpose that being a mom gives me when they get older? All of this is exhausting, yes, but it's also the reason that I have unfolded myself into this NatÃ... When the things I am wishing for come, will this version of me have to leave?
Diary, motherhood is such a complicated, insane, exhausting, and beautiful thing. It truly is but it is also isolating, and lonely which is what it's really felt like the last two years. Am I the only one feeling like this is more than I can handle?
Well rereading that all sounds like una locura. But maybe I am not the only one with the rambling thoughts and see saw of emotions of REALLY loving this job of motherhood but wishing for more. I can’t be the only one…
No need to worry though, for now I’ll do as my Birdie tells me, everyone has feelings, you can cry and just start over again tomorrow… And well that is just what I shall do.
Signing off, yours truly, NatÃ
(Mama Diaries is a series of posts that I started and stopped a while back where I could come and honestly unload with how ever I am feeling in hopes that one other mom doesn't feel alone. I hope you feel like we are having that cafesito together.)
