My Sweet Kindergartener

Happy Monday my friends.

Sitting here diffusing Peppermint & Citrus Fresh hoping to get in the hustle mode. Have found myself knocking out before 9pm last two nights, simply exhausted. Maybe more emotionally drained than physically because you guysssss, Zoe has been a hot mess at drop off. Like sobbing, hiccuping mess. And it pulls at every single heart string. It took every ounce of my being to walk away.

You see, some of you may remember the tiny 4 pound preemie I brought home. The tiny little girl who barely made a sound, who we weighed every day to make sure she was gaining weight. Who we fed with a syringe in the NICU because the bottle or boob took too much energy. Well in those moments a very guarded mama made a promise to a little tiny human. I promised to NEVER EVER let her down and as dramatic as it sounds you guys, I feel like I am. Those sobbing moments, death grip on my leg leave me winded and emotionally drained.

She is smart, and the vocab of a 3rd grader, she can memorize a book after reading it twice, loves to bake and craft, thrilled by a science experiment and NO ONE loves a game of tag or hide n seek more than her. She is my sassy, strong willed, incredible sleeper, my sweet Zozo. And walking away, leaving her to interact with people I don't know, to make memories that do not include me is equal parts exciting and heart breaking. I have walked home every school day in tears, hugged Ami and begged her to promise me that she will not to grow up.

But this is all a part of life. A part of my little lady growing up. And these feelings may sound silly but they too are a part of life. A part of this crazy thing called motherhood, where we can be both sad and happy all at the same time. I am only sharing this so that if any of you are going through something similar you wouldn't feel so alone.

Here are a few things we are trying to make drop-offs a little easier.

1. Thinking of you bracelet. We both wear a matching bracelet and I remind her to look at it if she is missing me, and she should know I am thinking of her.

2. Goodbye dance (this one was from a reader who is a preschool teacher!) we shook out all our jitters by dancing as we waited for the bell.

3. A lovie. Does your little one have a lovie, blanket or something they find comfort in? Maybe keep this in their cubby or backpack.

4. A family photo (or a few) that she keeps in her cubby or back bag to look at if she is missing us.

5. Jitter juice! We may have to make a version of this every Sunday night..

6. Making worry hearts!

7. Kissing hands must be the cutest thing ever,

8. Morning Routine charts can help with a new routine.

Hopeful one or two (or shoot all) will help you with a smoother drop off! And if all else fails, I may have to bribe Zoe (no tears and you get a toy...).

Have a wonderful week.

xoxo

Natalie

#Lifelately #mamadiaries #bebe

The Modern Mama

Hey hey beauties!

Happy Belated Mother's Day!!

I hope that this Mother's Day was everything you had wished for. And I said this on my Instagram stories but my thoughts and positive light went to those of you that are wishing to be mamas, that have lost a mama, and those simply in a rough stage of life, you are not alone and I am thinking of you.

I am also thinking of those that put so much pressure on what the day should look like. Those that cried because your appointments didn't go as planned (ummm me.) and cranky babies woke you at the wee hours of the morning. Just remember that in all honesty we should and can be celebrated every day. Those tiny little sticky finger hugs, those splashes in the bath and giggles that fill our hearts are our celebration. Remember that we do not get these days forever, they will pass in a heart beat and we will miss them. Remember that. Because we will. We'll miss them needing us 100% of the time, we will miss hearing mamamamamama all day. As overwhelming as these days can be we will miss them.

On the same motherhood note, last week someone asked me what I thought the Modern Mama looked like and it really got me thinking about my long winded answer but the simple answer is she is unique. She is herself.

The modern mama isn't just a stay at home mama or a stay at home working mama, she isn't just a working mama she is herself. Creating her own path, hustling to maintain a little of herself and keep a happy family. She prioritizes her relationship with her husband, her babies and her friends (or atleast tries too!). She wears the clothes that make her happy, works on staying healthy and always doing something creative.

The modern mama is so different than past versions. And that is ok. I think we all strive so hard to make sure it is different. Or maybe we are really striving so that we can have the freedom to choose what motherhood is for each of us. Choose to do what works for each of us.

This modern mama right here knows that it is impossible to be perfect at all things every single day and that it's a little give and take. She honors that and pulls in help when needed, she celebrates little victories and allows herself to feel all the feels with her village right behind her. the modern mama is HERSELF and teaches these little babes soaking it all in that they have the choice to be who they want.

This is who I strive to be every single day,. I strive to be that modern mama, true to myself and to my family, to build up and support my village and to encourage those around me with maintaining a balance. That is what this blog is about and what I truly believe in.

Thank you for following along my journey of modern motherhood my friends and know that I celebrate each one of you.

xoxox

Natalie

#mamadiaries #modernmotherhood #wordstomama

When Our Babies Aren't Ok

(oldie photos but still some of my favorites)

I started this "Mama Diaries" series to be able to be free to talk about anything. But here comes a time in my life when I have found myself with a lump in my throat and now words. When thinking about the last year... About the year where my heart was fuller than ever yet broken at the same time. I started writing this post months ago, yet hesitated hitting publish.

Our sweet babe had had a low grade fever for about a month. But with teething and no other real symptoms we held off on any panic. At her 9 month appointment I mentioned it to the pediatrician, so she decided to run some bloodwork.

I knew instantly that something was wrong the moment that our pedi called us that night. Months before (after Ami's 4 month wellness check-up) we got a similar call to tell us about Ami's hips and that she would wear a brace, so the moment that I saw the call come through this time, I held my breath. And I honestly held it from August until February.

The only words I remember were her white blood count was very low. I will stop here and say that Ami is ok, we have answers and it has taken a long time to adjust to our new normal but she is ok.

Our pediatrician wanted to run more tests, hold off on vaccinations because of a risk of her not being able to fight off any live viruses. But every time we went in she had a fever and the blood work was just not going to give us the answers we needed.

And long, scary (for us) story short we ended up with months of no real answers and our brains/hearts racing and preparing for worse case scenarios. The words blood cancers and auto immune diseases and so many other things that we read kept me on the verge of wanting to vomit, cry or scream at any moment. We had some scary emergency visits, one that allowed us to see how scary it is to have a babe that can't fight off infection, high fevers, catheters, blood work and still not a clear picture.

We could not keep her healthy (thank you pre-school germs!) and finally we made the decision with our pedi to pull Zoe from school and get everyone healthy. We paused dance and yoga and play dates. It was the hardest on our Zoe but we did what we had to. Like any parent would do to keep our baby healthy.

Fast forward through months of worry, tests and becoming familiar with the hematology team at Children's Hospital, all the way to a diagnosis of Neutropenia. Which in laymen terms means that Amani's body attacks the white blood cells that your body produces daily to fight infection.

What does this mean? A lot. But mainly, it means a new normal for our family. It means that this flu/cold season was a time of learning this new normal, limited playdates, constant disinfecting of everything, stretches of panic and anxiety from mama. And honestly an isolating time. And monitoring her temperature. Anything over 101.1 warrants a visit to her Hematologist at Children's Hospital or the ER (which is the least likely place for a baby with Neutropenia) with our diagnosis card that supplies a doctor with the severity of a low grade fever and her treatment plan. But mainly it's something we can and will live with.

I had such a hard time with saying any of this out loud, because I felt like any time we spoke about everything it made it REAL. I mean guys, it was real, it was gut wrenching real but you know, saying it out loud just really messed with me and had me just isolating myself. Feeling like I was drowning, like I couldn't take a breath and just fucking scared. These are our babies. no one in this world to keep them safe other than us and well the thought of not being able to protect her really broke me down.

I write this so that any of you going through something similar. So that any time life makes you feel like you're a failure or just pure uncertainty that may drive you insane. When you feel completely alone. Know that you aren't. Know that you can always find a place to lean on here. For me it was my husband, a handful of friends/family that just listened. Those that allowed me to fear and wept with me instead of saying it would be ok. Those that let me be weak and fall to my knees instead of telling me to be strong.

Our lives have changed, and I am grateful for my girls in a way that I can't explain with just words. I look at them, through very different eyes, a bigger softer heart and with such hope. I also know that I want to do more for mamas that sat with me in hospital waiting rooms, mamas with babies that didn't get the best case scenario. I know I was meant to do more with that and I will. Thank you for listening, for reading, for following, for praying, for everything. You guys are my village and this little place is such a place of therapy for me.

xoxox

Natalie

PS I truly thank those of you that have been on this journey with us. The words of wisdom, the sweet slings that helped us get through each day, the prayers, thoughts and just pure love for our girl. Man oh man, I am the luckiest girl in the world. THANK YOU.

#mamadiaries